Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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