She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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