Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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