i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
