@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
