i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
