i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
