god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
