i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
