Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am one with the molecules
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
