I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
