erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
