Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
