I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
