Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am puke
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
