You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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