Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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