She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
