the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
