Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
