Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
