I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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