I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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