Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
