haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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