it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
