I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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