Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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