One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
