My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
