Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
