cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
