Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You're like the curious george of whores
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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