so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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