Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
