Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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