I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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