Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
