I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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