im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
