Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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