does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need water and some morals
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
