You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
