i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
