ADVERTISEMENT

• (518): View more from New York

  I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.

  Fav 10 942 2222

  share tweet
  

• (303): View more from Colorado

  Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

  Fav 36 7157 1385

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.

  Fav 2 1794 938

  share tweet
  

• (604): View more from British Columbia

  The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.

  Fav 7 2160 936

  share tweet
  

• (406): View more from Montana

  I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

  Fav 9 3554 768

  share tweet
  

• (502): View more from Kentucky

  So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.

  Fav 10 686 944

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (519): View more from Ontario

  He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good

  Fav 3 1411 576

  share tweet
  

• (630): View more from Illinois

  my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."

  Fav 4 985 622

  share tweet
  

• (727): View more from Florida

  idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text

  Fav 2 741 452

  share tweet
  

• (419): View more from Ohio

  I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.

  Fav 0 93 100

  share tweet
  

• (+61): View more from Australia

  Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?

  Fav 0 105 165

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom

  Fav 2 25 83

  share tweet
  

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.

  Fav 0 50 6

  share tweet
  

• (201): View more from New Jersey

  Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.

  Fav 0 14 29

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (519): View more from Ontario

  I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.

  Fav 0 51 6

  share tweet
  

Randomize