Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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