It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
