38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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