Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
