I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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